Filed under: shethinks
yesterday, or rather, since thursday, i’ve been feeling rather in the dumps
a whirlwind of emotions was in a carousel.
mainly because i felt like a failure, and i wasn’t credible for people to believe in me
and that i was losing my faith. it was a scary scary place to be.
and i wasn’t even looking forward to CG, much less lead worship that night.
but i still tried to do what was required. get the job done first then feel.
trudge through the songs and sent Suresh’s the list.
and this week, i just wanted to sing an Andrew Yeo song, so i searched for him online, found his page and some sampling of songs and tried to find something familiar.
and i kept listening to All That I Seek.
i listened over and over again to that song, and it brought healing. a peace, a rest that made my heart turned towards God.
i missed that feeling.
even though i was struggling with my emotions and thoughts, i kept listening to that song very hard, and paying attention to singing it. and it was my worship, i guess.
the actual worship during CG was, not as pretty.
we cocked-up the first song, either i couldn’t get the right key, or the guitarist was playing something else, and we had to re-start. oh wells.
but i’m glad we ended with that song, if nobody was ministered to, at least, i was.
thank you God.
during sharing, the question asked “share about how you’re not willing to obey God because you don’t want to be inconvenienced”, and then i thought..
that so many so many things in my life have been left to convenience, because, i don’t want to be troubled.
i leave my family alone because i don’t want trouble.
i hanker after cheezels because i’m insecure about not being together with him.
i do the minimal at work because i try to stay out of trouble.
and i stubbornly resist challenges and troubles.
and because of that, i feel that my faith has been narrowed, stumped and shrinking.
i would want to be like Joseph, the carpenter earthly father of Jesus, who despite the inconveniences, the ridicule, the radical-ness of the situation, chose mercy above judgment, God’s opinion over man’s opinion and obedience over convenience.
and like Esther, the queen of Persia. God could’ve saved the hebrews by other means, but she had the privilege to be used by God. and she, took it.
Lord, i am utterly utterly weak.
i have no strength to live my own life
i have nothing to carry on nor live for if i direct my own life.
come Lord, and renew a right spirit within me. and take not, your Holy Spirit away from me.
help me Lord to trust in you, to obey, to increase my faith.
Filed under: shethinks
that lead to nowhere
that lead to destruction
that lead to unwanted memories
yep. burn burn burn
so not worth my time.
january
beloved peiyi cooked dinner for everyone at caleb’s place, in light of her “forfeit” for not being gu-niang enough, to which i beg to differ, but to refuse a blessing is no no too. and it was also “i remember bubles day” with sherrie. keat & jo-ann got married at hort park! the first wedding in the park most of us attended, and though i was “working” at the wedding, i felt so much pleasure from being in their midst. started giving pamela follow-up lessons. had the annual anergy lou hei at owen’s seafood.
february
surprised kelvin at east coast park for his birthday, first time at 1twentysix for most of us. cg cny steamboat dinner at jokel’s. john chan came over to learn photoshop. “blind dated” mitch at crystal jade toa payoh (how i miss her!). vday hangout at jiaying’s savannah’s place (the start of being green, sigh). was working on some saturdays. surprised peiyi at her home on her birthday. went to bedok forest adventure for charbee’s birthday and had to rush to work after that.
march
judy came by holland village to have lunch and catch up, it was the first and last time in 2009. surprised jiaying at the barrage on her birthday, did scary movie video. started rehearsals for the easter drama, i was playing nancy, a subservient wife to a womanising husband. stressing out about the easter publicity. more rehearsals
april
bosses gave the staff a nice dinner treat at en jap dining bar for the united square event. more rehearsals leading to easter. easter came! the drama was good, but the sermon left many disappointed. pastor tiak wrote the church a letter expressing his sentiments and concerns. dim sum lunch at wah lok for joanna’s birthday with kelvin, kangwei, laiyien and i. the importance of being earnest with pam, lou, jokel and jarrod, funny english accents. started follow-up with woeilin. dinner at iguana’s for joanna’s bday with suresh, lou, pam and jokel. bbq at jokel’s place for a combined cg meeting. sherrie went for her gown fitting but i couldnt go. had thai dinner with keat.
may
thank you bbq dinner for the easter drama team at p. tiak’s place. watched revolutionary road with bonny. delroy aw was born on 5May09! anergy ‘whacked it out’ at ski360 and paintball at yishun’s red dynasty. went jogging with berrie at tampines stadium. went diving at pulau aur with jokel, jokeat, jessie, jessica, yingshi, yougang, camilia and josh. went to recce bedok res for the 10km run. much ado about nothing at fort canning with bonny and some of her cg friends. laksa steamboat along telok blangah with joyce, anthea, korene and bonny. my drum school was opened on 31may09.
june
mama bear registered her marriage with kenneth at grand copthorne waterfront, and i met bonny and mop for noodles after. i had a new colleague pat! church camp! bonny was a busy girl and her cg sprang a surprise for her during the camp itself but i missed it! 5 things from the camp. 1) “I’ve wiped away all the offenses that you’ve taken against everyone, and it’s okay now” from God, the all-forgiving God. 2) having faith about my brother’s salvation 3) developing focussed faith! that means having to lay down my idols, particulary a 2-year (and counting) idol.sigh. 4) God’s heartbeat for thailand 5) His pleasure. and a vision of a cloth over a dollhouse-like structure; a surprise! of which it’s yet to unveil. transformers with the cuzs. i love you man with pat and mag. dinner with poly girls. dinner with jiaying. had cg celebration still led by sally before multiplying. daim cake delivery.
july
alpha weekend at jb! survivied kota kinablu! painful experience up the summit! “you shut up” becams the phrase of the trip. walked the torq! colin was mr super-patient. rafted down the padas river after travelling on dry gondolas. lost my sony ericsson. attended design crash course by shoshi. attended bpi7d by moomedia. had a haircut. went to timbre to celebrate joyce cheng’s birthday. mag stayed over before the 10km run! bonny went to hk. new cg led by isaac. cg was on tuesdays. attended wedding meetings for mavis and james’ wedding
august
cgl training. love singapore at the national stadium saw many churches coming together to pray for the nation. celebrated kangwei’s bday with a bbq at jokel’s place. tried to say the pledge at 8:22 unnanimously, but we missed the timing. mavis and james got married!watched hangover with char, mag and pat. met yonnan the first time in16yrs. mbti extended. housewarming at mama bear’s place. wala, zouk and prata with yonnan and the cuzs. spent the entire night out before sending yonnan off, all over the world? dead sea scrolls. attended wedding meetings for jiaying and weichun’s wedding.
september
stayed over at bonny’s. dinner at keat’s. jiaying and weichun got married at chijmes! cha cha dance lessons led by woei lin started. dinners with jokel, magpat, des@ion and jeaks! brother went to jail.bbday dinner for ant ant and bb bear at city hall. angela’s hen’s night @ hotel intercontinental. met chris teo. ‘whatever works’ with hsu and aaron. wedding meetings for angela and ian’s wedding. vivi and pam got baptised!
october
ian and angela got married at the armenian church, and dinner at grand plaza park hotel. wore suspenders as jiemei. had christmas comm meetings. sock fang’s mom passed away of cancer. np had their amusing race at the zoo. bonny went to hk. dinner at amk with gang, yap, mag, pure and pat. prawning with the cg at punggol. visited brother in jail. hdb transfers were mentioned. got my iphone, and i didn’t have to wait. i turned 27, at saizeriya, hotpot lunch at vivo, homemade jellies, paris chocs, flowers, crabs, ice cream and a bagful of snacks. worked on my bday. helped cleo with her eye project at cgh. sherrie’s hen’s night at st regis, love love. wii sports.
novemeber
cha cha dance class ended after 8 weeks, and i missed the last one. met sally with other cgl interns at hamsa. shawn and sherrie got married at the lutheran church and dinner at the sentosa! alpha weekend at changi aloha chalet, had to work so got to go only on second day. kraft had their race in orchard. dinner with weichun at manhattan. surprised andrew with jokel at centrepoint, met isodora at haagan daaz who was a gem to let us use their place just to sit and eat our cakes even when they’re closed. ip mirror went to desaru for their retreat and we went with them with zhiyang and jinhui.
december
red green christmas dinner with the poly girls at real food. christmas rehearsals were intensive. secret agent blessing game started in the cg. henry chiapoco while the rest went to bali. went to cut hair at the adelphi. dinner with gilbert and jiayu at moroccan. christmas@katong865 was a blast! activate meeting to plan for 2010. tiguan. jerry and sejin got married at the hyatt! dinner and christmas gathering at laiyien’s. heaven you heard? pat, zhiyang and desmond came. had a lot of fun doing the production as a singing angel and the 20seconds acting role. sacrificial love, that’s what we’re celebrating. anergy retreat in hong kong with pat! was sick like anything but still enjoyed the weather, food and company. watchnight and the sidehug.
and that.. concludes part of 2009, at least all that i can remember and recorded in my organiser and iphone.
looking forward to see what 2010 would be filled with.
i pray with more spiritual adventures and thanksgiving moments :)
here we go!
Filed under: whatbeginnings
and so begins the new year.
i tried to reflect upon 2009, and felt like an avanlanche was coming after me and i had no time to turn back and look.
strange, but yes, i felt chased out of the last year.
and now i rest at the bottom, with a heap of snowballed events, lotsa good and bad all tangled inside.
but it’s a big white snowball, and i like to think of white as purity, something that gleams of hope and new beginnings.
so will 2010 be.
i pray to make better decisions in better timing
that means, stop procrastinating in real words.
i pray to be more others-centered.
this year revealed a very ugly part of me, and while i hate it, i must deal with it and be a better person.
i pray to be more money wise.
that means, less cabs actually
i pray to be more wise with my heart.
that means, sleeping earlier when i should.
i pray to not forget so easily.
that means, memorising certain things and rewriting them out if i need to
i pray to pray more often.
even if it takes me to ponder longer before meals.
i pray to write my brother letters.
that means, start already!
i pray that i’ll look back at this list, and smile back in achievement.
Filed under: whatrandomness
you know what cheers me up?
www.babyblues.com
so normal, so real and so fun
even when i don’t have 3 growing kids.
i really dun like the feeling of being near breaking point.
demands from the family – go see your brother, have dinner with us, prepare the documents, finance the house, this this, that that
demands from friends – can’t say this, can’t say that, so i better don’t say anything
demands from church – meet here, speak there, design this, design that…
demands from work – meet this client, call this client, do quote, prepare for event, run event. repeat
:(
Filed under: whatthoughts
about my day today.
i’ve never felt so alone in the office for a long time. the shifting of the next-door neighbours didn’t help to ease the loneliness also. no more cooking smells, no more children chatter, no more shy sophie who’d only wave to us from behind the door, no more busy june with many errands to run.. oh, i miss them. it’s all so quite next door now, that i think the office is the noisest unit of the block, or the estate even, during the day.
i nearly missed my first appointment. realised i’ve been dependent on other people’s reminder to get ready, to leave the office, the write down directions, but in one swift jump, hop and skip and a change of clothes, i was out of the office and made it in time in the van (i was contemplating taking a cab! coz’ i hate to drive when i’m flustered), thankfully it was very near and i got an easy lot.
after the meeting, it was about lunch. actually no, the meeting was during lunch time, 12.30pm – 1.30pm. between eating sentosa mooncakes alone in the office, and da-bao-ing something from novena back to eat alone in the office, i decided to pamper myself and got myself a nice (and expensive) sandwich from cedele.
it was more desk work in the office, and it was quiet on the computer as well. becuase my usual kakis was down by one, coz’ someone went offline in the afternoon, i think to catch his flight back to SG. but thankfully, there was still bonny online! whom i can just rant and rave to at the click of the mouse.
and i listened to Hillsongs’ Shout Your Fame and loved it.
went for another hurried meeting, this time because the client only arranged to meet on the day itself. messed up my plans a little, but it was short and sharp and i was out of the office in half hour.
back to the office, to do more desk work. and little did i know, time passed and i had to leave the office for LY’s place for dicipleship class. but before i left, i called up this urgent enquiry, only to get annoyed by his cheapskate attitude. don’t care if he doesn’t want to do with us!
it’s been so long since i went to LY’s place, and the feeling felt so familiar, seeing familiar faces in the same setting that i spent a lot of time on…for dicipleship class, CG, Alpha. and i’m glad we’re back at it again. the fellowship was good, and re-learning what it means to be a diciple of Christ really blew me away, okay, maybe just a few strands of my hair got blown by the wind from the fan. two words – desire and decision. and i think the hardest part of being a disciple beyond wanting to be one, is deciding and acting on the decision to be one. but also, we realised that it’s too easy to focus on the costs of dicipleship, rather than the fruits and the sweetness of being like Christ. LY’s shared an example of what Dr Chia said that we’ll be so natural, that going the extra mile is second-nature, that if we don’t do it, it makes us uncomfortable.
i desire.
now i gotta decide.
Filed under: whatthoughts
in so much as
a squeeze on the arm
and the right question at the right time from the right person
an unexpected phone call that lasts for 15 mins
this week’s inspiration:
1. a homecooked meal of kimchi soup and stir-fried butt steak by a CG member blessed my heart, and made me want to learn how to cook properly!
2. the reality of the current financial situation at home prompted me to start planning to contribute to the household expenses more
3. a reminder that all we like sheep, are clueless and stupid, knows not where we’re going without a shepherd. and Jesus has always been the Great Shepherd.
4. the israelite shepherds lead their sheep with total dedication, Amos 3:12 showed the extent of how a shepherd would fight with lions if only to save a remnant of his sheep. the model of being a CGL.
5. a fellow sister’s account of how she was blessed by spending time with someone whom she thought needed it, blessed me too! what am i missing out in my own life?
6. the dedication and commitment of pat m, threw a stark contrast against my own conduct at work. i thank God for that opportunity to be sharpened and to want to improve myself at work, despite the annoyance of being ordered around like a robot sometimes. but i do have a lot more freedom than most people!
7. professional photography. need i say more?
8. sorting out my finances, revealed the obnoxious amount i spend on transport! i need to cut my cab habit.
9. hearing what others do before work i.e morning run, breakfast, time with family..and THEN to work, got me thinking about my own time management. in turn, it will help reduce my cab frequency!
10. books! i need to start reading more!
Filed under: whatthoughts
Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there. As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus. They ran throughout that whole region and carried the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. And wherever he went-into villages, towns or countryside-they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.
Mark 6:45-56
is it better to be by Jesus’ side all the time, but when He reveals his power, i recoil in fear and astonishment,not recognising him?
or is it better to have heard of his fame, and when He comes near, i can recognise him and i run to him?
